How To Recognize Toxic Positivity...And Avoid It!

It's something I'll never forget and it was 13 years ago .Someone walked up to me after my mom died and said, "I'm sorry to hear about your mom...but she had been sick for a while, hadn't she?"

No. It all happened suddenly and horribly and NO it wouldn't have been easier if she had been ill. My mom was still gone.

Toxic positivity's intention is to make someone feel better but what it really does is minimize your feelings.

When told that his twin sister had cancer, my son's friend told him, "Well, these days treatments are better and it's more like a chronic disease..."

Uh, no.....her prognosis was originally 3 years and she's been through hell. It's been 4 years now and thank you all for asking about her. ❤️

Toxic positivity sounds like

• "Look on the bright side..."

• When someone dies, "They're in a better place...."

• "Everything happens for a reason.....

• "God doesn't give us more than we can bear...."

• "It could have been worse....." I always think, yeah, it also could have been better!"

Two weeks ago, a client who was in a lot of physical and psychological pain said someone told her she should just be glad she wasn't like her friend who's been diagnosed with cancer. That's toxic positivity.

Someone else's pain doesn't negate yours.

Toxic positivity shouldn't be mistaken for optimism

For a host of reasons, this month has been SO hard for me and I've done a lot of work on my mindset, particularly trying to stay positive.

I wasn't exposed to much optimism growing up, so I have to work at practicing it. The strategies I've been using are:

1) Focusing on the things I'm grateful for, things that are going right.

2) Reconsidering problems as opportunities.

3) Listening to the perfect playlist. I have one I created a few years ago when I was going through a tough time. I can listen to it and channel those powerful feelings again.

How can you be optimistic but not toxic?

Become ok with not being ok.

Life can take terrible turns and often the only way around a situation is through it. You need to sit and feel your feelings (or let other people sit with theirs) and process what's happening.

You can't make someone feel better by telling them things could be worse. What they need to hear is that you're there for them.

Ask the person (or yourself) questions like:

“What do you need in this moment?”
“How can I better support you?”

Resist the urge to minimize the conditions of a challenging situation and the emotions associated with it.

Once those emotions are acknowledged, it's possible to realistically look for a bright side — if there is one — of the situation.

There's nothing wrong with reciting positive affirmations or following belief practices rooted in positive thinking, but it’s vital to practice realisticpositivity.